The Thirteen Olympains
by The Iliaddict
Summary: My attempt at rewriting "The Twelve Days of Christmas"... OlymPAIN style! Heh, you see, 'cause they're pains in the - ANYWAY, I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians or the original lyrics to "The Twelve Days of Christmas".


**(Author's Note: Hello, all, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and/or Happy Holidays! This is my attempt at humor and rewrite the lyrics to "The Twelve Days of Christmas", Olympian style! Well, Olym_pain_, really, 'cause they're so frustrating. Um, yeah... Anyway, please read and review! I finished this at 3:23 AM and now I'm publishing it, five minutes later! Disclaimer: I do not own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Or the Olympains, for that matter. Or do I? :O)**

The Thirteen Olym_pains_

As the only god almighty

Mother Gaea hid from his father,

Zeus, lightning lord, what a bother.

Lady goddess, Zeus's wife,

Who brings his adulterated kids strife…

Hera! For perfection she seeks.

And Zeus, lightning lord, of the freaks.

Poseidon's the third mentioned Olym_pain_

(this guy's son drives fangirls insane!).

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Now here comes the fourth;

Cereal she brings forth.

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Now the fifth we should know:

Athena turns our brains to snow.

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

I see the sixth in the distance, but my visions getting hazy.

Gods, you bloody drunkard, you drive us all crazy!

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

And here seven comes, this really is his time;

Apollo drives us nuts, and he can't even rhyme!

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Enter Apollo's twin, head Hunter.

This goddess, dating? No, sir!

Artemis, I just did mention.

Apollo with his cousin's invention.

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Nine arrives with soldiers, armies, and wars.

If Ares was coming, I'd certainly lock my doors.

Artemis (of men she steers clear),

Apollo almost always with his lyre,

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Enter Aphrodite, who's way more than a "_ten,_"

with her boyfriend, Ares, lion among men,

Artemis (of men she steers clear),

Apollo almost always with his lyre,

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Here comes ugly; his mother wishes he was just myth:

Hephaestus, gotta love him, your average blacksmith.

Aphrodite, who was born from sea and shell,

Ares with his fearsome battle cries and yell,

Artemis (of men she steers clear),

Apollo almost always with his lyre,

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

Now on winged sandals, one and only Hermes,

Hephaestus (crippled at and below the knees),

Aphrodite, who was born from sea and shell,

Ares with his fearsome battle cries and yell,

Artemis (of men she steers clear),

Apollo almost always with his lyre,

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal and godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, oh, bother.

But what's this? No god of the Underworld I see?

Well, here Hades is, with the rest of the family!

Hermes, god of whatever's there to remain,

Hephaestus, whose gizmos (to me!) look all the same,

Aphrodite, who was born from sea and shell,

Ares with his fearsome battle cries and yell,

Artemis (of men she steers clear),

Apollo almost always with his lyre,

Dionysus, the notorious town drunk,

Ouch, Athena; my brain just shrunk,

Demeter, who deals with harvest,

Poseidon with possibly barnacled chest,

Hera, royal, perfectionist, godly mother,

And Zeus, lightning lord, what a bother!

**(Thanks for reading, hope you laughed... Please review! :D I should go to sleep now. . .)**


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